The Paradox of Relationship

What’s the single, most important thing we can do to improve our relationships? I believe the answer to that question is the opposite of what many may think. I believe it is to be sure we are happy and fulfilled in life. In fact, the biggest gift we can give to any one – to the world, is our own happiness. Think about it.

When I am feeling really good about my life, and myself I have graciousness for others. Things they do that might have annoyed me before are barely noticed. Instead, I’m patient, compassionate and supportive. In other words, my love for them is much more unconditional.

Recalling the Call
Can you think of some times when this was true for you? Which instances were more powerful or sustaining? What were you up to, that you allowed such peace and fulfillment? Did you feel you were “on purpose” in your life?

To pursue our own fulfillment requires that we “know thyself” – to awaken to who we are as spiritual beings. It may be surprising to know that our Soul is largely uninterested in ‘creature comfort.’ Instead, its directive is to do what it takes to awaken us. The more proactive our efforts to awaken, the less trauma we are likely to experience – even during a crisis.

The three major ways we tend to wake up have to do with our relationships - with ourselves/higher selves and with others - sometimes during crisis.

From Aloneness to All-Oneness
The first way of awakening involves being alone, allowing the discovery of who we are beyond identification with a partner. It is being deeply contented with our aloneness, sufficiently fulfilled unto ourselves. It is allowing love and freedom to be present where there was neediness from lack.

In the Remarkable book, Love, Freedom & Aloneness, Osho says that much of the desire to be in relationship is to distract us from our own aloneness. He talks about letting go of needing to be needed and learning to live from who we are at a deeper level, joyously content.

While taking plenty of time to ‘be’ is important throughout life, it’s vital to do so when a long-term love relationship ends. If the partnership was more than 10 years, taking a year or more to discover who we are at this new juncture in life is highly recommended.

Instead of filling our days with activities, a newly single person can benefit greatly by taking time to tend to the inner landscape. At major crossroads in life, it is important to make new friends who support our inner journey. Joining a men or women’s group can be very beneficial.

Waking Up Together
A second major way we encounter ourselves is through relationship. Our primary relationships can be our primary vehicles of self-awareness and transformation, if we allow them to be. It is in relating with others, for example, that our “buttons” get pushed.

What if, instead of perpetual comfort and joy, our relationships are supposed to activate our buttons? This flies in the face of notions about romantic love. While ‘romantic love’ has its roots in the ‘courtly love’ of the middle ages, as a mass phenomenon, it is peculiar to the modern west.

With it we impose impossible demands and expectations on our partners and ourselves to fulfill some idealistic picture. Unwittingly, the more involved we get with someone, the more these assumptions enter into play about what a relationship is, what they/we should/shouldn’t do, what we should feel, and what we should ‘get out of it.’ We may only vaguely notice the many contradictions these expectations carry, with each other and with values we hold most dear.

Thus when challenges emerge, there is a tendency to either start trying to fulfill what we think our role should be, trying to get the other person to comply, or we may begin to back away, saying “This must not be the person, there are too many challenges!” Often these two opposing approaches are taken by two partners, with the roles flipping back and forth over time.

Answering the Call
There are several excellent tools to use, such as ‘The Work’ of Byron Katie. Another is to reframe our challenges as opportunities. What if we take every instance as an opportunity for self-awareness and self-mastery? Every ‘button’ can be a stepping-stone to self-realization.

In a wonderful panel discussion on oprah.com during the week of 1/12/09, author Michael Beckwith said that the ego or ‘veil of ignorance’ is simply, “an accumulation of all the unexamined, limiting perceptions.” He repeatedly urges us to “Use everything for self-knowledge.” “

A particularly potent tool Beckwith describes is to see every ‘problem’ as an opportunity to ask new questions. “Every problem is a question trying to ask itself.” The idea is that ‘the universe’ or our Soul is urging new possibilities. When we ask new questions and listen, new answers are revealed. If we are on an inner journey to greater self-knowledge, we must seek to understand unfamiliar parts of ourselves. Therefore, we must ask new questions.

Explore New Questions
The word ‘question’ is derived from the Latin ‘quarrier’ (to seek) which is also the root of ‘quest.’ A creative life is a continual quest, and good questions allow for fresh unanticipated answers to reveal themselves. I find that when I write down a question, and then journal the dialogue that ensues with my higher knowing, amazing insights come forth.

“What quality of life is looking to emerge? What gifts, genius, beauty or inner power is trying to express? What greater truth can I live? How can I be more authentic and truly loving, versus attached and needy? What possible new world is being born? What crossroads am I at this point in life? What ‘yes’ have I been postponing? What is the nature of peace of mind? Where in me is the love and peace of mind I seek?” What lesson is here for me? How is this experience perfect for me now on my path? How can I feel grateful about this situation?

"You don't want a million answers as much as you want a few forever questions."
—Richard Bach

Beyond Crisis
A crisis is simply a more extreme challenge that forces us to step into a new world. Beckwith asserts that the opportunity for awakening is always at least as large as the trauma. “Never let a crisis go to waste.” “Blessed are those whose identities have been shaken” because they now have the opportunity to discover the part of themselves that are unshakable. While it may be difficult to explore the perfection of a crisis, especially when physical well-being requires immediate attention, the sooner we do so, the better.

Thus, we have come full circle, from the importance of focusing on our own fulfillment to allowing our relationships to be the major vehicle for that process. The more fulfilled we are, the more unconditional our love and, after all, authentic love IS unconditional.

Within the context of creating a dynamic, transformational relationship, rather than some static ideal, both partners fulfill our primary directive of spiritual awakening. In so doing, life becomes full of the freedom, joy and adventure that we seek on a deep level. It’s the journey of Self, greeting itself, with profound love and grace.

Gayatri Erlandson, PhD, psychologist, humorist, philosopher, social architect, spiritual activist. She co-published Spirit in the Smokies Magazine for New Paradigm Living for 12 years in Asheville and now is managing editor of its next iteration, this website.

Gayatri is now offering Conscious Relationship Training, a workshop on Saturday, Feb. 21, from 10am to 5pm. For information, seeConscious Relationship Training.