What does living the new paradigm mean in our relationships?

I am currently experimenting with the notion of “relating” rather than being in “relationship.” This is a co-experiment in honoring the changeable, unpredictable dance with the unknown – when relating to a man who has chosen to be relating with me. How awkward to write/say it in this way – to not define and tidy up this dynamic exchange as a “relationship,” or even use the posessive word “my.”

When we part, we often don’t plan our next rendezvous or phone contact, leaving room to anticipate meeting again - with the mystery of where, when or if ever. In the past I had a pattern of planning my schedule and focus around the man in my life. This is new.

So far, I feel surprisingly alert, a little precarious and very aware of my old patterns of definition and attachment. Who is this person to me? Who am I to him? Where is this going? How long will it last? All questions that take me out of this ephemeral slipping-by-moment.

I never liked the whole notion of impermanence. I couldn’t believe that the Tibetan Monks who, after a week of devotedly creating a sand mandala (while sitting, hunched over on the floor), would eventually smoosh all the colors together and pour the sand into the nearby Bolin Creek. What was the point? All that beauty gone.

It’s challenging for me to let go, especially of something that’s good.

So, I’m practicing. I’m practicing paying exquisite attention to the aliveness of connecting, knowing that each moment is passing. I’m practicing making my own life my focus. And you know what? It feels better than I expected.

Yes, yes, yes! Imagine that each day, each moment, is a divinely orchestrated dance between our hearts and those of each person we come into contact with - whatever the interaction. Imagine slowing down enough to fully be present in each moment, open to the whisper of what is right before us and trusting it holds the perfect offering, the perfect jewel of connection, for us at that time - whether we understand it at the time or not. Imagine...all of us as students in a cosmic "Conscious Relationship" dance class. Dosey doh.

I see this as the practice of being in the moment, the now. A "relationship" is either past or future. It is either about something we did or said in the past that we now have to live up to or it is something we're creating in the future. What if we just enjoyed the moment together?

Yes, these are all wonderful thoughts and I would love to hear about people's personal experience.

Part of being present in the moment for me is the practice of trusting that when someone else makes a choice that affects me, it also is beneficial to me. Sometimes it can be a stretch to really get, especially if their choice inconveniences or disappoints me initially....

For example, I rent to 5-6 people within our community and my preference is to have very little turnover. I used to take it personally when someone gave notice and fear loss of rental income. Then one day, after much practice, I noticed I had a whole different attitude when someone announced her leaving.

When Leslie told me of her upcoming departure, and how she wanted to return to Vermont to be with family, I actually felt excitement for her. Even though I had loved having her here and did have some of my old concerns, it felt right that she move there and my overwhelming response was to be joyful and trusting. It amazed me! I could even feel excitement at who might be our next community member. As it turned out, we had a series of wonderful temporary residents who paid more money for being here on a retreat basis, and then the right long-term resident showed up - all in perfect timing. And Leslie is very happy too!

The more I work with this principle of mutuality in oneness, the more I notice it and the more I trust the flow of life. I experience it in small ways every day - from suddenly realizing that I am to take a right turn at the next light only after a driver refused to let me into the left lane, to being home and receiving an unexpected important call because a friend canceled a lunch meeting.

Intellectually I truly understand the concept that what truly benefits someone else also benefits me within a paradigm of oneness, however actually LIVING it is beyond inspiring. Life is so much more of an adventure. Very often I can feel immediate gratitude at a driver I previously might have gotten upset with, and find myself wondering, "What sort of adventure will this facilitate?"

What are your experiences?

Blesssings,
Gayatri

From the desk of
Gayatri Erlandson, PhD
managing editor of this site
Asheville, North Carolina
USA

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It’s challenging for me to let go, especially of something that’s good.

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