Collaborative Relationships:
Living Outside the Box of the Single-Family Home
By resident Gaya Erlandson, PhD
When the CBS filming crew arrived on Tuesday morning December 14, at 9:30, I had no idea of what to expect, or that they’d stay until 6:30 PM.
Producer Jeanine Ibrahim had called from NY just three weeks before interested in doing a 5-minute piece on ‘Golden Girls’ – women age 45 and over, living together under one roof. Our community at Lotus Lodge, while never limited to women only, at the time fit the bill.
Initial Interviews
Jeanine took the time to call and talk with each of the four (of the five) of us well before they filmed, starting with me. “Yes, we are all quite independent, each with our own jobs and schedule, our own bank accounts, our own food and our own private room, much like the Golden Girls TV show.
“No, we’re not a commune, and no we don’t even eat together much of the time, unless two or more happen to fix their own meal at the same time (3-4 times a week) or we have a potluck (at least 1 x a week). We also garden and go on hikes together, have movie nights and many, many wonderful, rich conversations with lots of laughter. And there’s plenty of privacy!
Jeanine seemed fine with every thing, until we talked about why people would live together as we do.
It was clear that CBS was looking for a different perspective – one that emphasized the economic advantage of living together, versus the personal and ecological benefits. Our conversation went something like the following.
“Most of the women moved to Lotus Lodge because they couldn’t afford their own place, right?” “No, actually, everyone chose to be here primarily because they wanted the social support and like-mindedness.”
But it is cheaper to live together than on one’s own?” “Oh Yes. And every one here came financially able to live alone and chose to live collaboratively – as the preferred choice. We all value our relationships with each other and with the Earth – we appreciate having a smaller footprint.
“In fact, if we had significant funds, we’d design a collaborative home from the ground up, and we’d make the whole site sustainable. Plus, we’d look to inspire a lot of others to live collaboratively – of all ages. I really think this is a wave of the future.”
Buying Less, Having More
I have to admit, by the third phone conversation with Jeanine, I did step on my soapbox and hopefully not on her toes.
“It’s not that I think all people should live under one roof in the way that we do at Lotus Lodge. This 4400 square-foot-place originally was a single-family home, converted to a triplex and now we’re living some hybrid between being neighbors and family. We have very meaningful relationships that we all really value. There are many ways people can collaborate more without necessarily moving.
“To me personally, however, it seems like a lot for each person or couple to have so much house and yard to maintain, physically and financially. Lawn care equipment, sheds, individual workshop space, tools, toasters, ovens, washing machines and many other things we buy can be shared. Plus together it’s much easier and more fun to have a great garden and do various projects. Living more collaboratively, in whatever way that looks, is a way to downsize and still have it all – or even more.
“And if you have kids, well your whole life is about keeping up with the myth of the “independent” single-family home as the ideal. It’s exhausting! Our culture and typical, non-collaborative lifestyle just doesn’t support the raising of children with much ease or grace.”
I decided to let it go. Every media has it’s own perspective. All four of us ‘Golden Girls’ to be filmed had done our best to tell our perspective of why we are here. It was time to trust and get ready for the big day. Much cleaning, organizing and beautifying needed to be done!
Emphasis on Relationship
Knowing that the group of us were about to be interviewed for national TV had me much more aware of all of us, of our interactions, our space and how we support each other. Things around resident Sherry Vaughn were particularly relevant.
Sherry has lived here for nearly three years and just six weeks before the filming, had fallen (while in California) and broken her left hip in two places, her femur (upper leg bone), her left shoulder and cracked two ribs on the left side. Sherry’s return – just three weeks before the filming, involved considerable changes at Lotus Lodge.
First, we needed to move all of her things down from upstairs and set up her room on the main floor. For me, this was done gladly – on Sunday, Nov. 21. It took two of us much of the day. Placing her various art objects and pretty things around the room in a way similar to how she had it upstairs and putting her slippers at the side of her bed made me smile.
Early on Tuesday the 22nd, the day Sherry was to arrive late, her son Josh came over to do the moving and was surprised to see it all done. I was surprised that it hadn’t even occurred to me to call this strong 33-year-old to help! It showed me how much “family” Sherry is to me. He installed a special elevated toilet seat and a rail on the tub, and we talked about what Sherry would need. It was clear he loves his mother very much!
His sister Julianne, Sherry’s youngest, flew in from the Caribbean and stayed over a week in our guest room. Much love and healing occurred between mother and daughter. Sherry shared later that she and her daughter now are closer than ever. And after seeing it first hand, Julianne became a real advocate of her mother living at Lotus Lodge.
Before long, Sherry’s other daughter Jessica drove in from Charlotte and stayed for several days. By the time her oldest son Jake arrived, also from Charlotte, and stayed for a long weekend, Sherry needed little assistance. By then also, all her kids expressed tremendous appreciation of her life and relationships at Lotus Lodge.
Sherry must have mentioned this during her interview on filming day because Jeanine, the director, requested that Josh, the only offspring living close by, come to Lotus Lodge and be interviewed. They were interested in his thoughts about his mother being here.
Action!
The day the filming crew arrived, interviewer Michelle Miller walked in holding her cell phone looking distraught. Seems one of her kids was ill – back in NY, and she was trying to make decisions about what to do, who else to call and how to manage it all from Asheville. I thought, “What a perfect example of the need for community!”
Throughout the day she screened calls and answered several that were family related. I didn’t ask for the details but very much felt for her. It was one of the countless times I have thought to myself, “Why are we so whetted to the single-family home. Life could be so much easier and more fun if we all would collaborate more.” Yet again, I let it go.
Jeanine, Michelle and the two men of the crew (Darrall Johnson who did sound and David Gladstone the photographer) were wonderful! From the beginning we all laughed together, teased each other and generally they did a stupendous job of having us feel comfortable. They were so friendly, in fact, that I had to keep reminding myself that what I said might be on national TV, so as not to be too irreverent with my humor.
When it was my turn (I was last to be interviewed), however, I was nervous and so instead of having much humor, I got philosophical. I definitely stepped on my soapbox when Michelle asked, “So you think that living like this is really beneficial, especially for people as they age and are on limited income, right?”
Collaborative Lifestyle for All
Images of that morning of Michelle trying to manage her family over the phone from afar jumped out at me as I launched into a passionate lecture about how families with children need a collaborative lifestyle more than anyone. It went something like the following.
“Raising and educating our children is perhaps the most important job any society has, yet in the U.S., it is one of the least paid and most stressful, for parents and educators alike. Divorce is high among couples with young families. I believe that two people just aren’t enough.
“We used to have extended families where older children, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers all were involved in the rearing of the younger ones. If a child became ill, many hands and hearts were glad to contribute. There was a whole group of people who knew, cared about and taught young ones what it is to be a caring, contributing person.
“Without this, look at what’s happening with our children. Increasingly they are being diagnosed and drugged from kindergarten on. In some schools today, instead of one teacher with whom a child can establish a meaningful relationship over the year, many elementary students have five or more, one for each subject!
“With so few adults involved in a personal way, kids increasingly turn to each other. Bullying and various forms of violence are big problems as well as teen suicide. Both murder and suicide by teens is related to feelings of being unliked, lonely and bullied for extended periods – even those from in intact families, as the famous Columbine incident demonstrated.
“Helen Keller said that she wasn’t “human” until her teacher taught her to communicate and be accountable for her interactions. She wasn’t “human” until she had meaningful relationships. We are relational beings. It is from others early on that we develop our self-concept, our capacities to love and to function in the world.”
Contribution and Self-Concept
Michelle added something like, “Yes, kids should spend less time with their electronics.” “That might help. It seems a shame for a parent to put a child in front of a TV screen as a baby sitter. But sometimes, there really is little choice. She needs time to study her college course or do other adult things. If there were other adults or older responsible people around, she wouldn’t have to choose one over the other. It can be a no-win situation.
“And think about it. For all the times she chooses in favor of her child at her own expense, don’t you think that on some level that child fells like a burden? Don’t you think that at some level, that whole dynamic gets figured into the child’s deep sense of self-worth?
“Something that could be done immediately is to expect much more from our children. If they were taught from an early age how to clean and manage the home – to whatever their capacity, including such things as meal planning and preparation – everyone would benefit. Putting kids to work at home and in the community isn’t child abuse, it’s establishing a relationship that tells them they are important, that they are wanted and needed, that they make a difference.
“We all want to make a difference. I think it’s a basic need that is under recognized. It’s perhaps the most rewarding way we plug in with each other. We are social, relational beings. The more we look to encourage contribution and collaboration from our family members, our communities - including our children and elders, the better for all.”
To help me wrap it up, Michelle commented, “So you see a big change in how everyone lives.” “Yes!” I see a housing revolution! I see our cities of isolated single-family homes become caring neighborhood communities where everyone is nurtured and supported at all stages of life.
“The difficulty we have in raising our kids and the tremendous difficulties they are having in school is the big elephant walking through our collective living rooms. Kids and elders – people of all ages don’t fit into the box of the single-family home. We need to get out of the box of the single-family home and into collaborative communities. Our kids and our future depend upon it!”
Next!
Before the crew left, they filmed us sitting together answering questions and after that, putting an evening meal together. There was some good humor there! It was almost sad to see them go. I would have loved to talk with Michelle more about her situation. It’s amazing how quickly we can feel connected with others!
I realized from it all (again) that my thoughts on community are quite different from most folks – including many in the ‘intentional community’ movement. I find it interesting that of all the people CBS could have contacted in the country, they landed at my doorstep here in the Asheville area where many are exploring new options and innovations for better living.
At the time of this writing, I still don’t know what to expect regarding the final edit. Rather than concerning myself with how well they give my message or perspective, I am inspired to give my own.
I am inspired by my own passion for collaborative, caring lifestyles that I have lived, studied, taught classes on, written about and love to promote. In other words, no matter how this 5-minute show turns out, I know it’s time for me to write my message in my own book. Thank you CBS!
Gaya (aka Gayatri) Erlandson, PhD, founded Lotus Lodge in 2004, currently owns the property and is looking into turning it into a cooperative where residents own shares. A psychologist and visionary, Gaya has been encouraging people to live more collaborative lifestyles over two decades, to better bring out our human potential. She also teaches and promotes relevant classes such as on Dynamic Governance, NonViolent Communication, Conscious Communication and ‘The Work’ of Byron Katie. Certified as an Imago Relationship Therapist, she also offers relationship counseling, does groups and customized retreats at Lotus Lodge (see: LotusLodge.com). Contact her by email: gerlandson dot phd at gmail or phone: 828-581-9036.
The CBS segment turned out to be 3.5 minutes long and was aired on Wednesday, March 2, 2011. Here's your link: http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=7358240n&tag=cbsnewsVideoArea.0
Enjoy!
